Bad alcohol-free fizz has a very specific taste. It's the taste of a children's party where somebody's put sparkling grape juice in a flute and told you it's "basically the same".
It isn't. You know it isn't. The grape juice knows it isn't.
Good alcohol-free fizz, though, is a different animal. Crisp, dry, properly bubbly, and nobody at the wedding can tell what's in your glass unless you tell them.
Which you will, because you're smug about it. We all are.
So here's my honest alcohol-free sparkling wine review, sorted by the occasion you're actually buying it for.
The short answer
The best alcohol-free sparkling wines are made as real wine first, then have the alcohol gently removed, so they keep their acidity, fruit and fine bubbles.
For a dinner, go for a dry, biscuity blanc de blancs. For a big toast where everyone needs a glass, pick a true 0.0% fizz. For picnics, cans and mini bottles beat a 75cl you can't finish. And if you want to impress, a luxury 0.0% fizz is worth the splurge.
How I judged them
One question: would you happily drink it if the real stuff was on the table too? Not "is it nice for an alcohol-free".
Is it nice. Full stop.
After that it's the boring stuff that matters. Is it dry enough, or does it taste like posh pop?
Are the bubbles fine and lasting, or do they disappear like a magician's assistant? Is there any fruit in the middle, or does it smell great and then vanish?
If you want the long version of what to look for on a label, I've covered it in how to choose alcohol-free wine.
Best for dinner: Miris Blend Blanc de Blancs
This is the one I'd put on a table with food. The Miris Blend Blanc de Blancs is crisp German fizz with green apple, lemon meringue and a hint of biscuit, with creamy bubbles and a citrusy finish.
The biscuit comes from at least nine months ageing in tank before the alcohol is gently removed by low-temperature vacuum distillation. In other words, proper wine first, booze out second. The right way round, like milk in after the teabag.
Smoked salmon, fish and chips, a cheese board. It's happy with all of them.
Best aperitif: Miris Blend Blanc Aromatique
If you want something more perfumed to sip before dinner, the Miris Blend Blanc Aromatique is made from Cabernet Blanc grapes and smells of gooseberry, pear, kiwi and lime, with a soft floral edge.
It's fruity and lively with a long finish.
Think of it as the friend who arrives early and gets everyone chatting. Every party needs one.
Usually it's not me. I'm the one who arrives early and then stands in the kitchen talking about fermentation.
Best pink fizz: Miris Blend Édition Premier Sparkling Rosé
Lots of alcohol-free rosé fizz tastes of boiled sweets. This one doesn't. The Miris Blend Édition Premier Sparkling Rosé gets its deep pink colour from six to eight hours on the grape skins, then brings wild strawberry, pear, citrus and fresh berries with a rounded body.
It's a blend of Pinot Noir, Merlot and Cabernet Cubin, sitting at 0.4%. Summer dinners, birthdays, or any evening that needs to feel a bit more Mamma Mia than it actually is.
Best for a big toast: Pierre Zéro Sparkling Chardonnay
When you need forty glasses for a toast and some of those people are pregnant, driving or just not drinking, you want a true 0.0%. Pierre Zéro Sparkling Chardonnay is aromatic, fruity and floral French fizz with no added flavourings, at 0.0% ABV.
It's the people-pleaser.
Easy-going, uncomplicated, gets on with everyone. Basically the Paul Hollywood handshake of fizz.
Planning a wedding? My alcohol-free wedding drinks guide has the rest of the day sorted too.
Best splurge: Wild Idol
If you want the bottle that makes people go "ooh", it's Wild Idol. Both are true 0.0% and made for weddings, birthdays and big moments.
The Wild Idol Sparkling White is golden with fine, persistent bubbles, green apple, citrus and white peach, and a clean, crisp finish.
The Wild Idol Sparkling Rosé brings strawberry, peach and rose petal, with summer berries on the palate. Both come in a 37.5cl half bottle too, which is perfect for two people and one anniversary.
They're pricier.
They're also the ones I'd buy for someone I wanted to impress. Or to apologise to.
Best for picnics: Wild Life Botanicals cans
A 75cl glass bottle on a picnic is a liability. It's heavy, it needs a stopper, and someone will kick it over on Ilkley Moor.
The Wild Life Botanicals Nude can is a dry, zesty sparkling white made from dealcoholised Spanish wine and botanicals, with green apple, elderflower and citrus zest. Its pink sibling, the Blush can, has wild strawberry, rosehip, crab apple and elderflower.
Both also have added vitamins and zinc, which I'm told is a selling point. I just like that they fit in a cool bag.
The wildcard: Copenhagen Sparkling Tea
Not a wine at all, but it drinks like one. Copenhagen Sparkling Tea LYSERØD is a dry, pink sparkling tea made from organic teas, with red berries, red apple, blackberry and hibiscus and a lightly bitter finish.
It was created by a Danish sommelier, so it's built for food.
Pour it blind for a wine snob and enjoy the confusion. It's like a Danish crime drama. You won't see the twist coming.
How to serve alcohol-free fizz
Properly cold. Warm fizz shows up every flaw, like a dodgy bathroom mirror.
Get it in the fridge for a few hours, or in an ice bucket for twenty minutes.
A white wine glass or tulip glass shows off the smell better than a skinny flute.
Once it's open, drink it within a day or two, because alcohol-free fizz goes flat and off faster than the boozy stuff. Here's how long alcohol-free wine lasts once opened.
The whole range is in our alcohol-free sparkling wine collection, and the wine bottle deal takes 10% off six bottles and 15% off twelve, mix and match.
The serious bit
Drinks up to 0.5% ABV count as alcohol-free in the UK, but that isn't 0.0%. If you need zero, check the label.
Pierre Zéro and Wild Idol are 0.0%, while some of the others sit between 0.0% and 0.5%. If you're pregnant or on medication, check with your GP or midwife first.
Fizz bottles are under pressure, so chill them before opening, point the cork away from people, and hold it as you twist.
If you're worried about your drinking, Drinkaware and the NHS alcohol support pages are a good, free place to start.
Kombucha Kev, Functional Drinks Club
