Let me guess. Someone once handed you an alcohol-free beer.
It tasted like a wet cardboard box that had been left out in the rain behind a bus station. You've never forgiven them.
Fair enough. Ten years ago, a lot of alcohol-free drinks were genuinely grim. Sweet, thin and sad, like a disco with the lights on.
But things have changed. Properly. This one's for the sceptics: the alcohol alternatives that actually taste good, why the bad ones were bad, and how to give them a fair second chance.
The short answer
The alcohol alternatives that taste best are usually hoppy IPAs, wheat beers, stouts, sparkling wines, spritzes and gin alternatives with a good tonic. They're the styles where flavour comes from hops, malt, bubbles and botanicals rather than from the alcohol itself.
Start with those, serve them properly cold in a proper glass, and your bad first experience will start to look like bad luck.
Why that first one tasted so bad
Alcohol does more than get you merry. It carries aroma, adds body and warmth, and balances out sweetness and bitterness.
Take it out and you can leave a hole. Old-school methods often boiled the beer or wine to remove the alcohol, which cooked off flavour too.
Then, to fill the hole, some makers just added sugar. Hence the wet-cardboard-meets-fizzy-pop experience. It's like taking the shark out of Jaws and replacing it with a sponsored inflatable.
Technically the same film. Really not.
These days, brewers use special yeasts, gentler low-temperature methods and clever hopping to keep the flavour in. The good ones taste like the real thing because they're made by people who are obsessed with the real thing.
Beer: start with something hoppy
Hops are your friend. A big, juicy IPA has so much flavour going on that you don't miss the alcohol. If you've been burned by a sad alcohol-free lager, go straight to the hazy stuff.
Cloudwater Fresh AF is zesty orange and juicy peach with a savoury finish, from one of the most respected breweries in the country. Beak Brewery Nolia brings apricot, mango and lime at around 30 calories a can.
Hand either of these to a craft beer snob and watch them go quiet. It's beautiful.
For more breweries worth knowing, here's my rundown of the best non-alcoholic craft beer brands.
Wheat beer: the one Germany nailed ages ago
Wheat beer is the secret weapon of alcohol-free. The fruity, bready flavour comes from the yeast, so it survives the alcohol coming out remarkably well.
Paulaner Weissbier 0.0% is brewed in Munich, where they've been at it since 1634. That's nearly 400 years of practice. They've had time to get it right.
Fine malt, fruity weissbier character and a hint of sweetness. Pour it slowly into a tall glass and you're in a beer hall.
Lederhosen optional. Strongly discouraged, actually.
Wine: go red and go proper, or go sparkling
Still wine is the hardest thing to make alcohol-free, because alcohol does so much of the work. So if you got a thin, sweet glass once, I believe you. It happens.
The fix is to spend a bit more on a serious red, or go sparkling, where the bubbles carry the flavour. ILEX Saint-Émilion Merlot is the first alcohol-free wine ever made in Saint-Émilion: plum, black cherry, soft tannins and cedar.
I used to be a big wine drinker, and this is the bottle I'd hand to anyone who says alcohol-free wine can't be fine wine. For more tips, here's how to choose an alcohol-free wine without kissing too many frogs.
Spirits and spritzes: let the mixer do some work
Alcohol-free spirits aren't designed to be drunk neat. Try one neat and you'll think it's a scam. Mix it properly and it makes sense.
Pearsons London Botanic is citrus, elderflower and juniper at 0.0%. One part to three parts tonic, lots of ice, a slice of lime. That's a G&T.
Or skip the measuring with the Smiling Wolf Aperitivo Spritz, a bittersweet orangey spritz in a can. It contains caffeine, so maybe not your last drink of the night.
How to give alcohol-free a fair second chance
Serve it cold. Pour it into a proper glass, not straight from the can.
Don't compare it sip-for-sip with your old favourite on the first night. Give it a couple of goes.
And try a few at once. A mixed box is the cheapest way to find your new regular: 6 or more drinks get 5% off, 12 or more 10%, 24 or more 15%. If you're local, you can pop into our taproom at 7 Manor Square, Otley, have a natter and buy in person.
Here's how to find us. Or watch me and Andy try 20-odd new ones on camera in our new drinks unboxing video.
The serious bit
In the UK, drinks labelled alcohol-free can contain up to 0.5% ABV, as set out in the government's low-alcohol descriptors guidance. Some of the drinks above are 0.0% and some are up to 0.5%, so check the label if you need zero.
If you're pregnant, taking medication or have a health condition, check with your GP. If you're worried about your drinking, talk to your GP, or contact the NHS or Drinkaware for free, confidential support.
Kombucha Kev, Functional Drinks Club
