Let's clear something up. When you stop drinking, you do not automatically turn into a beige person who talks about breathwork at parties.
And if you did talk about yoga mats at parties when you were drinking? Bad news. You'll still talk about yoga mats when you stop. Booze wasn't hiding your sparkling personality. Sorry.
Here's the secret the serious lot won't tell you: life without booze is still a right laugh.
I'm living proof (sort of)
I was a big wine drinker. Not a disaster. Just a bottle here, a bottle there, and Saturday mornings so foggy you'd need a lighthouse to find the kettle.
I swapped wine for kombucha, cut down, then cut it out. I now get genuinely excited about fermented tea, which is either personal growth or a cry for help. But I got my Saturdays back. And a lot more energy, which I need, because I'm 46 with an 8-year-old I plan to keep up with in my 70s.
My dad-dancing, sadly, has not improved. Turns out the wine was never the problem.
Myth one: you'll be boring
Stopping drinking doesn't change your personality. If you were a laugh before, you're still a laugh. Possibly funnier, because you'll remember the punchline.
And you'll be the only one who can tell the story properly the next day. Everyone else will be going “wait, what happened after the karaoke?” You'll know. You'll always know.
Myth two: you'll become a runner
Okay, this one's sometimes true. Some people stop drinking and immediately take up running. Five-hour runs, every Sunday. They swapped hangovers for hamstrings. Still out the game, just with better calves. You don't have to. Lie-ins are allowed. I'm a big fan.
Myth three: you can't go to the pub
Of course you can. The pub is about the people, the telly, the quiz and the terrible jokes. The beer was always just the ticket in.
Plenty of pubs stock an alcohol-free beer now. Get the round in and enjoy being the only person who can work out the bill.
Myth four: celebrations are ruined
Still brilliant. Pop a cork on Pierre Zéro Sparkling Chardonnay, a full bottle of French fizz at 0.0%. Raise it, toast it, make a terrible speech. All the fun, none of the 3am kebab.
Myth five: Friday night is cancelled
Friday night has had a glow-up. Big glass, loads of ice, a Pearsons London Botanic and tonic. Or a big 550ml bottle of Sam Smith's Alcohol Free Brown Ale. Takeaway, film, feet up. Then Saturday morning. Actual Saturday morning.
The stuff you get back
Saturday mornings. Money. Energy. The end of every film. Every conversation after 10pm. As Andy Dufresne put it: “Get busy living.” He had a much harder week than you, to be fair.
The deal bit
Mix any 6 drinks and get 5% off, up to 15% for 24. Wine and spirits get 10% off 6 bottles. More in our guide to stopping. Life's still awesome. Go and have some fun.
The serious bit
If you've been drinking heavily every day, have a chat with your GP before you stop, because stopping suddenly can be dangerous. That's it. The only lecture you'll get from me.
