Remember your first alcohol-free beer? Back in the day it tasted like someone had soaked a Hovis in pond water and called it lager.
Those days are gone. Alcohol-free beer has had more glow-ups than a Love Island contestant. Here are ten that'll get you through 31 nights without once looking longingly at the real stuff.
A quick word on your guide: I'm a public health bloke who ended up selling beer. My old NHS colleagues still don't know whether to be proud or worried. Let's crack on.
1. Cloudwater Fresh AF
Craft beer royalty from Manchester. Fresh AF is a hazy IPA with zesty orange, juicy peach and a savoury finish that pulls you back for another sip. It doesn't taste watered down. It tastes like it's showing off. 0.5%, 440ml, vegan.
2. Northern Monk Faith
Brewed just down the road in Leeds. Faith is silky, citrusy and 26 calories a can. Twenty-six. Your morning toast has more ambition. 0.5%, 330ml, vegan.
3. Below Brew The Cosmic Turtle
Mango, passionfruit and four big hops, at 44 calories for a 440ml can. The Cosmic Turtle made me read the can twice. I'm 46. The small print is getting smaller. 0.5%, vegan.
4. Athletic Upside Dawn
Light, clean and 45 calories. Upside Dawn is gluten free and vegan, so it suits everyone. Even your mate who quit booze and now does five-hour runs. He'll have one at the finish line, then disappear for another seven hours. 0.5%, 355ml.
5. Williams Bros Joker AF
Mango, pineapple, citrus and pine, brewed with a clever yeast that frees up hidden fruit flavours. Joker AF is gluten free and vegan too. Why so serious? Exactly. 0.5%, 440ml.
6. vandeStreek Funhouse
For people who think bitter beer tastes like licking a hedge. Funhouse is juicy, creamy and almost no bitterness. 46 calories. 0.5%, 330ml, vegan.
7. Below Brew Forgot To Take My Pils
A crisp keller pilsner, bright and biscuity. Forgot To Take My Pils is so drinkable you'll forget it's alcohol free. Also, the name. I'm a dad. I'm legally required to love that name. 0.5%, 440ml, vegan.
8. Fierce Beer 1983
A golden lager brewed with Aberdeen FC to celebrate their famous 1983 season. 1983 is the perfect match-day can, whoever you support. Even if, like most of us, your team hasn't won anything since 1983 either. 0.5%, 440ml, vegan.
9. Brulo Five Fruit
A gose with mango, passionfruit, guava, apricot, orange and a pinch of sea salt. Five Fruit is like a fruit cocktail that grew up and got a mortgage. 0.5%, 330ml, vegan.
10. Samuel Smith's Alcohol Free Brown Ale
From Tadcaster, where they've brewed since 1758 and still deliver by Shire horse. Sam Smith's Brown Ale is malty, with coffee and caramel, in a big 550ml bottle. No gimmicks. Just a proper pint. Under 0.5%.
The deal bit
Mix any 6 drinks and get 5% off, 12 for 10%, 24 for 15%. Or build a beer box and watch the saving go up as you fill it. For the wine, spirits and everything else, head to our Sober October guide.
The serious bit
Every drink here shows its exact ABV, and 0.0% means zero. If you're worried about your drinking, or someone else's, your GP is a great first call, and the NHS website has support too.
