Every house in the 1970s had a drinks trolley. It lived in the corner of the front room, it had one wonky wheel, and it held a bottle of advocaat that nobody ever opened. There was usually a soda siphon on it too. Nobody ever used that either. It was just there to look dangerous.
The trolley is back. And the good news is you can build one with no alcohol on it at all, and it'll still be the thing people drift towards when they come round. Better, actually. Nobody's going to wake up on your sofa at 3am clutching the advocaat.
Right. Pull up a chair. Let's build one.
The short answer
A sober drinks trolley needs five things: one bitter aperitif, one gin-style spirit, one dark sipping spirit, one bottle of alcohol-free fizz, and a handful of good mixers and garnishes. Add a few decent glasses and some ice that doesn't taste of fish fingers. That's it. Five bottles covers almost every drink anyone will ask you for.
Start with what it's actually for
Be honest. Is this for you on a Tuesday night, or for hosting eight people on a Saturday? A trolley for one wants two or three bottles you love. A trolley for parties wants range: something bitter, something fresh, something dark, something fizzy.
What it doesn't want is twelve random bottles you bought because the labels were nice. That's not a trolley. That's a hoarding problem with castors. The wellness industry would call it a curated sanctuary. I'd call it clutter.
The five bottles every sober drinks trolley needs
1. A bitter aperitif
This is your spritz bottle, the one that makes a Friday feel like Friday. New London Light Aegean Sky is bitter citrus and olive, made by the team behind Salcombe Gin. Pour it over ice, top with tonic or soda and a slice of orange, and pretend you're on a terrace in Greece rather than looking out at the bins in the rain.
If you want more of a classic orange spritz, there's a whole rundown in our piece on the best alcohol-free aperitif brands.
2. A gin-style spirit
Someone will always ask for a G&T. Be ready. Pearsons Rhubarb & Ginger is made with Yorkshire-grown rhubarb, it's a gorgeous deep pink, and it's lovely with tonic or ginger ale. It's also a cracking conversation starter. "Is that from the Rhubarb Triangle?" Yes, Margaret. It is.
3. Something dark to sip
This is the bottle for cold nights and long chats. Glen Dochus Island is smoky, peaty and salty, made for anyone who loves an Islay. In a previous life I was a big peaty whisky fan, so I'm a tough crowd on this one. Mix one part with three parts water or ginger ale, as the bottle suggests. It's not one for drinking neat.
Or go the other way with Pathfinder, our bestselling spirit ever at Functional Drinks Club. It's made from fermented hemp seed and wild botanicals, it's herbal, bittersweet and resinous, and it's good over ice in a heavy glass. Hold it like you own a yacht. You don't. Neither do I. Nobody needs to know.
4. A bottle of fizz
Toasts, birthdays, "I finally fixed the shed door". You need bubbles. Noughty 0.0% Sparkling is organic Chardonnay, dealcoholised to 0.0%, with nearly half the sugar of most alcohol-free fizz. BBC Good Food rate it the best alcohol-free alternative to champagne going.
If you want something nobody at the party has tried, Copenhagen Sparkling Tea BLÅ is made from up to 13 organic teas, with jasmine and chamomile up front and a long, gently tannic finish. It's the bottle that gets the most questions on any trolley. Mostly "Tea? Fizzy tea?" Yes. Fizzy tea. Try it.
5. A wildcard
One bottle that's just a bit odd. A shrub is perfect. It's a drinking vinegar, fruit and sugar and vinegar, which sounds horrible and tastes brilliant. Treguddick Raspberry & Bay is tart raspberry with a green, herby lift from bay leaves, and it's great with sparkling water. Wildcards are how you find your new favourite drink.
Mixers, garnishes and the ice question
A good bottle with a rubbish mixer is like putting a Ferrari engine in a Reliant Robin. Keep a dry tonic, a light tonic, soda water and a ginger ale. That covers 90% of drinks.
Garnishes: lemons, limes, oranges, a bit of fresh mint or rosemary, and a jar of olives. That's plenty. Anything more and you're building a film set, not a trolley.
And the ice. Every freezer has a bag of ice that's been there since the Jubilee and tastes faintly of peas. Throw it out. Buy fresh. It makes more difference than you'd think.
Glasses: no, it isn't fussy
Drinking a spritz out of a mug that says "World's Okayest Dad" is a choice. It's just not a great one. The right glass changes how a drink smells, how long the bubbles last and how special it feels.
You only need three types. Big wine glasses for spritzes and fizz. Highballs for long drinks. A couple of heavy tumblers for the dark stuff. Charity shops are full of them, usually for about 50p, usually donated by people who've just bought a drinks trolley.
Where kombucha fits in
A cold bottle of kombucha in a wine glass is one of the best things you can put next to dinner. It's sharp, it's complex and it's got a bit of grip, which is what a lot of former wine drinkers miss. I found it as a wine alternative, and I've never looked back.
We don't sell it on this site, but my sister shop Kombucha Club does nothing else. Keep a couple of bottles in the fridge rather than on the trolley. Kombucha likes to be cold.
Making it work when people come round
Have three drinks ready in your head, so you're not staring at the trolley like it's an IKEA manual. An aperitif and soda with orange. A gin-style spirit with tonic and rosemary. A small glass of fizz for anyone who just wants bubbles. That's enough for everyone to feel looked after.
If you're hosting properly, our guide to alcohol-free hosting covers the rest, from how much to buy to what to do with the mate who arrives with a crate of warm lager. And if you're mixing drinks for the first time, start with these three alcohol-free cocktails so easy even I can make them.
One more tip. Finish the night with something sweet. A Twisst Caramel Cream over ice is creamy, caramel and coffee, like a cream liqueur minus the alcohol. It's the closest thing I've got to a dessert trolley.
Stocking up without spending a fortune
The good news: you can do this in one order. You can build a spirits box and mix and match whatever you like. Buy 6 bottles of wine or spirits and get 10% off, or 12 bottles for 15% off. Delivery is free on UK mainland orders over £85, and £4.95 under that.
If you'd rather sniff the bottles first (we won't judge), come and see us at Functional Drinks Club, 7 Manor Square, Otley, LS21 3AP. Everything on the alcohol-free spirits shelf is there in person. Just note online orders can't be collected from the taproom, but you're very welcome to wander in and buy over the counter.
The serious bit
In the UK, drinks up to 0.5% ABV count as alcohol-free. That isn't 0.0%, so if you need zero, check the label. Every product page on this site shows the exact ABV.
If you're pregnant or on medication, check with your GP before drinking anything new. And if you're worried about your drinking, you're not on your own. Drinkaware and the NHS alcohol advice pages have proper, free support.
Kombucha Kev, Functional Drinks Club
