There are two types of British barbecue. The one where everyone has a lovely time. And the one where Uncle Dave falls in the paddling pool at 4pm.
This is your guide to the first kind. Grab the tongs. I'll be the one burning the sausages and pretending it's “char”.
Rule one: you're gonna need a bigger cool box
Chief Brody said it best. Whatever you think you need, double it. Nobody in history has said “we brought too many cold drinks” at a barbecue.
Plan for two or three drinks per person for an afternoon. Then add a few, because Uncle Dave.
Rule two: cold is everything
A cool box keeps cold drinks cold. It does not make warm drinks cold. It's a cool box, not Hogwarts.
Chill everything the night before. Ice in first, drinks on top, more ice on top. Keep it in the shade, not next to the barbecue. You'd think that's obvious. It isn't.
Rule three: something for everyone
The lager: Below Brew Forgot To Take My Pils. Crisp, citrusy and so drinkable people forget it's alcohol free. Including Dave.
The wildcard: Brulo Five Fruit. Five fruits and a pinch of sea salt. A fruit cocktail that grew up and got a job.
The pink one: Noughty Sparkling Rosé. Organic, 0.0%, and BBC Good Food reckon Noughty's the world's best alcohol-free alternative to champagne. Fancy.
The hoppy one: Williams Bros Joker AF. Brilliant with a lamb burger. Why so serious? It's a barbecue.
Rule four: the host doesn't need a drink to have fun
On the grill, you've got the best job going. Tongs in one hand, cold can in the other, complete control of the playlist. Nobody checks what's in your can. They're too busy asking when the burgers will be ready. Five minutes. It's always five minutes.
Rule five: allow for the runner
One guest will have quit booze and taken up running. He'll arrive at 4pm after his five-hour run, eat a single halloumi skewer and leave by six. Swapped hangovers for hamstrings. Still out the game. Save him a burger. He won't eat it.
Rule six: win the morning
The next day, everyone else is lying in a dark room. You're up, doing a fry-up with the leftovers, feeling like an absolute legend.
The deal bit
Mix any 6 drinks and get 5% off, 12 for 10%, 24 for 15%. A bigger cool box has never been cheaper. Full line-up in our BBQ and garden guide.
The serious bit
Keep water flowing on hot days, make sure everyone gets home safely, and keep an eye on Dave near the paddling pool. If you're worried about anyone's drinking, including your own, your GP is a great first call.
